Dear Dunkin,
Please come back to California. I know you didn’t have a great go of it the first time you were here but we desperately need your help. We live in L.A. – a coffee and donut wasteland. Of our only two real choices for tasty pastries and beverages, Starbucks is overpriced crap and Krispy Kreme can never hold a candle to your French Vanilla coffee and delicious Coolattas no matter how many times they change coffee brands, which seems to happen at least once per quarter. Open your eyes, Dunks! Nobody here wants a ‘grande’ (oo la la!) double-mocha, half-caff, Cappalatte, whateverthefuck they serve for $7 coffee anymore when they are having trouble supporting their families and would do much better to be allowed the opportunity to explore a lifelong dependency to a better product at a lower price – your product.
Not only could you take Starbucks’ business, but you might also get an influx of new coffee addicts (remember: hook ’em while they’re young) from our enormous drug scene here on the left coast. Considering it seems to cost about $1000 day to live in southern California, those who are forced to work 22 hours per day in order to survive in this economic desert need a pick-me-up other than, or as a supplement to, an illicit substance, and your product at a more reasonable price than your competitors (and of course dealers), could be the perfect replacement for such favorite ‘day-extenders’ as cocaine, crack, and meth-amphetamine (admit it: your products are equally effective and addictive dammit!). And of course, Nancy Reagan would never say no to you.
Imagine! You could be the solution to the drug problem ravaging our way of life here in the Golden State and make a killing at it at the same time (pun intended). Not to mention the aforementioned damage that you could deal to your nationwide competitors. Please, please Dunkin’ Donuts, for everyone’s sake, stop being so chicken shit about expanding into a new market and come back to California to save us. PLEASE save us. Some of us are too pretty to die!
Your BFF,
~Bella Bellucci~, Intravenous coffee user and Dunks fan
[ETA 9/15/23: Dunkin DID finally come back to California around 2015. Then I moved out in 2019. 😅]
